Doubt

The last month has been hard and making it even harder still is the understanding that this is just a taste of what is to come.  As difficult as it has been, 6 weeks of underway can in no way compare to deployment. My only real friend here (at least in terms of regular communication, genuine depth of understanding and actual in-person interaction) moved a month ago and my husband has been gone for 2 weeks.  I knew the moving, as it always does, would cause a shift and that things would suddenly look very different but somehow I was still unprepared for what that looked like in real time.  We didn't even hang out very often--she had much closer friends on island that usually filled that role--but we did sit together and talk at church every Sunday and text/message/Marco Polo throughout the week.  I find myself with absolutely no adult connections now.  My husband is at sea and incredibly busy getting into the swing of a new job, new schedule, and new responsibilities.  Emails are sporadic at best but I still need to send them myself throughout the day so he doesn't feel disconnected from us.  I feel very disconnected, sending email after email full of mundane fluff with little reply but the emailing isn't about me.  I'm the one at home.  There are concessions to be made.  He is my person but on the ship he cannot fill that role.  I have to work to keep him in the loop with our home life, stave off his loneliness and self-doubt, remind him that he is smart and capable and we all love him and won't hold these absences against him.  It isn't a job I mind at all.  I'm glad to do it.  But it's lonely.  Here at home every other facet of my life has conspired against me (or that is how it feels when I allow myself to be a bit melodramatic) to add to that isolation and loneliness: our family vehicle was at shop for over 4 weeks so we genuinely could not leave the house; everyone I'm friendly with at church has moved or gone on extended vacations all at the same time; for the third time the Navy screwed up and turned off our Cost of Living Allowance so we've spent the last 3 pay periods with far less money than we're supposed to have leading to having to dip into savings to buy groceries and worry about every bill debited.  It's only been 2 weeks but I've had never-ending car issues, appliance problems, unexpected doctor visits, a cursing 4-year-old (thanks "Back to the Future" for that fun conversation), and our 4th epic toddler hair massacre.  It is wearing.  It's wearying.  I think the hardest thing about dealing with "mental illness" is how it erodes your confidence and makes you doubt yourself.  I'm not ever sure I can trust my feelings anymore.  Are things truly hard?  Am I really as lonely as I think I am?  Or is my brain helping me to play the martyr?  Am I really so disconnected from everyone or maybe have I forgotten to take my medicine recently? I cannot trust myself and I also cannot be open about these things with anyone else.  The last time I tried to share what I had learned about how I process things and the roots of what I'm feeling I was told  'you can't use these things as an excuse' and advised to 'will myself happy.'  Where do you turn when those closest to you think clinical depression is something you can chat yourself out of with a "be happier" mindset? Who can you trust when your own brain is against you?  At what point do you just admit that you're drowning and no one else can be bothered to care?