Too much in my head
This is where I exist: too much in my head. I get so weighed down by my own thoughts I cannot function. I want to share these worries and musings and fears but everything has to be filtered through other people's expectations of me and once that's done there's nothing left. How does one crave authenticity and genuine connections and not go crazy in our current world of shallow, surface, immediate all in a shiny, perfectly curated veneer? For the longest time I had, carefully and beautifully (at least I thought so) handwritten and displayed for my daily consumption the quote by Theodore Roosevelt "Comparison is the thief of joy." At least until my children broke the frame and stepped on the paper and ruined it as they seem to do with everything I like. But even reading it daily was never enough for it to truly take hold. I wanted so badly for the words to change me, to shield me from the hurt of comparing myself to everyone around me, but they couldn't. Why am I not mature enough to celebrate other people's accomplishments without immediately turning it into a reminder of all I am not? In truth, I'm not sure I'm ready for answers. Like Kathleen Kelly, I want to send my words off into the void, the mere act of writing them down enough for now.
I was recently diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD. It answers so many questions, questions I didn't even know how to ask before. On one hand, it is very freeing to know why I am the way I am. When I always had this sense that something in me was off and felt like other people didn't feel the way I felt, I wasn't wrong! BUT, it is also depressing. Now I know that the right self-help book or latest organizing trick or new planner or better schedule or pinterest hack will never magically resolve everything. It can't. Maybe I can use those things to be more efficient. Maybe I can get to a point where I can see these broken places as strengths. But I'll never be anything other than what I am. When I think about all of the things about me that make my husband angry, that he's always trying to fix or complaining about, I see now those things ARE ME. It's not a behavior developed because I'm basically an annoying person that should just try harder or be better. It's not laziness. It's who I am at my very core. The emotional hyper-sensitivity, the time-blindness, the lateness, the excited starting of the "new" ending with a fizzling out of interest and abandoned projects with a deep feeling of failure and shame left in my wake, the zoning out during conversations, falling asleep when things don't interest me, the coming on too strong, the sharing too much, the impulsivity coupled almost immediately with regret, the rejection sensitivity... Even if I can get a handle on living with ADHD, it is not disappearing. I think, up until this point, I always thought I would find that thing that would "fix" me and then I would be truly happy. The problem with dealing with co-morbid depression and ADHD is that I struggle with seeing things outside of the present. Intellectually I know that things haven't always been like this, they won't always be like this, but it FEELS like now is all there is. How do I get out of this hole with no support? How do I see myself as anything other than broken, irreparably flawed and disappointing when those closest to me can't see past that? Is this just another thing that keeps me just outside, always alone? I feel so strongly that everything happens for a reason and God can use any situation for His good but where does this lead? Does His good include my happiness?
I was recently diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD. It answers so many questions, questions I didn't even know how to ask before. On one hand, it is very freeing to know why I am the way I am. When I always had this sense that something in me was off and felt like other people didn't feel the way I felt, I wasn't wrong! BUT, it is also depressing. Now I know that the right self-help book or latest organizing trick or new planner or better schedule or pinterest hack will never magically resolve everything. It can't. Maybe I can use those things to be more efficient. Maybe I can get to a point where I can see these broken places as strengths. But I'll never be anything other than what I am. When I think about all of the things about me that make my husband angry, that he's always trying to fix or complaining about, I see now those things ARE ME. It's not a behavior developed because I'm basically an annoying person that should just try harder or be better. It's not laziness. It's who I am at my very core. The emotional hyper-sensitivity, the time-blindness, the lateness, the excited starting of the "new" ending with a fizzling out of interest and abandoned projects with a deep feeling of failure and shame left in my wake, the zoning out during conversations, falling asleep when things don't interest me, the coming on too strong, the sharing too much, the impulsivity coupled almost immediately with regret, the rejection sensitivity... Even if I can get a handle on living with ADHD, it is not disappearing. I think, up until this point, I always thought I would find that thing that would "fix" me and then I would be truly happy. The problem with dealing with co-morbid depression and ADHD is that I struggle with seeing things outside of the present. Intellectually I know that things haven't always been like this, they won't always be like this, but it FEELS like now is all there is. How do I get out of this hole with no support? How do I see myself as anything other than broken, irreparably flawed and disappointing when those closest to me can't see past that? Is this just another thing that keeps me just outside, always alone? I feel so strongly that everything happens for a reason and God can use any situation for His good but where does this lead? Does His good include my happiness?
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