Posts

Doubt

The last month has been hard and making it even harder still is the understanding that this is just a taste of what is to come.  As difficult as it has been, 6 weeks of underway can in no way compare to deployment. My only real friend here (at least in terms of regular communication, genuine depth of understanding and actual in-person interaction) moved a month ago and my husband has been gone for 2 weeks.  I knew the moving, as it always does, would cause a shift and that things would suddenly look very different but somehow I was still unprepared for what that looked like in real time.  We didn't even hang out very often--she had much closer friends on island that usually filled that role--but we did sit together and talk at church every Sunday and text/message/Marco Polo throughout the week.  I find myself with absolutely no adult connections now.  My husband is at sea and incredibly busy getting into the swing of a new job, new schedule, and new responsibilities.  Emails are sp

Too much in my head

This is where I exist: too much in my head.  I get so weighed down by my own thoughts I cannot function.  I want to share these worries and musings and fears but everything has to be filtered through other people's expectations of me and once that's done there's nothing left.  How does one crave authenticity and genuine connections and not go crazy in our current world of shallow, surface, immediate all in a shiny, perfectly curated veneer?  For the longest time I had, carefully and beautifully (at least I thought so) handwritten and displayed for my daily consumption the quote by Theodore Roosevelt "Comparison is the thief of joy." At least until my children broke the frame and stepped on the paper and ruined it as they seem to do with everything I like.  But even reading it daily was never enough for it to truly take hold.  I wanted so badly for the words to change me, to shield me from the hurt of comparing myself to everyone around me, but they couldn't. W